through the clouds

Today, I have spent a lot of my time in Panera. I came to enjoy their delicious food while working on school work. That has absolutely not happened. The food was great, however, I have accomplished nothing from my school work today. The past month or so, I have never thought so much about my life and future. It consumes my thoughts. I cannot focus on anything. I am constantly thinking about what I am doing now and what I want to be doing now and later. I am a grad student with no money. Unemployment has been my constant companion since August. I feel I am not doing enough with my time. Nothing  can be seen from what I am doing that makes a tangible difference toward ministry. I finally got more involved at church and another ministry. But I still want more than that. I know I was created for more than mediocrity. Yet I have no clue where God is leading me. Somehow God has provided money for rent and other bills, but I don't have a job. His faithfulness astounds me. I am single and content with that. I am an adult faced with so much uncertainty.

But like today, I see the rain. People look at rain as bad. But there is something mysterious and beautiful about it. Now, the rain has stopped and the setting sun is shining through the clouds. I cannot help but relate that to myself. Rain, in its mystery, creates growth and life- as a friend of mine said to me today. And when the rain stops, the sun always comes out. So with all of my confusion, I know God is taking care of me. I am growing in spite of the situations. I know the sun will come through, even if the clouds are still around.

[so rereading this, I am extremely random and not exactly great at writing today. my mind is all over the place.]