Over a year ago I wrote a note about going into that which is unknown to you. At the time it was quite a challenge. It still is. If anything, life has become more confusing with bigger challenges. Going into a new part of life- the unknown- is terrifying. For so many, they become crippled, paralyzed by fear of not knowing what was coming. This fear seizes them from doing anything of substance, thus creating complacent people who have settled. A year ago I told myself to not settle for anything less than what God has for me. Yes I have my desires and wants, but if I truly do trust God then why should I fear this unknown?
Its been a year since I made this commitment to pursing God and all that he has for me. In this time of entering the unknown, I have never been more fulfilled. I have never been more...alive. But entering this unknown is not easy. I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea where I am going. I literally am taking life step by step. With each of those steps, I see so much around me frozen, not moving forward- settled.
This year has been a challenge, but with this challenge I have learned so much about myself. It has cost me a lot. Going toward the unknown requires following God relentlessly, realizing that he knows everything. It is a great risk of faith. With these challenges, I have become very different than who I was. I am more introvert and contemplative. My relationships with people have changed dramatically, both at home and at school. I love the people God has placed in my life, yet I can see how these relationships have changed- many will never be the same. Once again I am in the midst of the refining fire of process and change. My friends are all getting closer, yet I feel I am the outsider.
Disconnected. That, I feel, is becoming the theme of my life right now. I am disconnected from almost everything back home. More recently, I am starting to be disconnected from those here in Florida. I have no idea what will become with those relationships. Everything is changing. In ten days, I am graduating from college. It is a crazy realization, knowing that I am moving on to yet another chapter of my life. I have so many dreams. I have so many things, now, that I refuse to give up. I refuse to settle. I hate that I am losing relationships. I hate that I don't know where "home" really is. I hate that I am blindly approaching this unknown ahead of me. And worse...I feel I am mostly alone.
But what I know is certain, what I know is stable is that my God is with me through this transition. I do not fear everything ahead because my God sustains me. This unknown cannot be feared nor can it be ignored. I must embrace it. I must continue to dream. I must continue to passionately pursue God and what he has for me regardless of my situation, fear, or any other excuse I could come up with. But in all honesty, this unknown ahead is mysterious beauty and an opportunity to do everything and anything for God. At this point, I can do nothing but move toward this unknown.
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